Toxicity

What do you do when the person who is supposed to be your biggest cheerleader becomes the main source of your downfall?

To give you guys a little background info, a few members of my family (myself included) suffer from mental health issues. That being said, those issues are never an excuse to continually treat someone poorly. For YEARSSSSSSS I have been excusing my mother’s treatment of me because of her issues and trauma that she has faced. A few standout moments on an ever growing list:

-When I was 10 years old she told me “You might as well just kill yourself, you’re already killing your body”. I’ve struggled with my weight ever since.
-When I was a teenager she would blow up and kick me out of the house for trivial bullshit. It’s worth mentioning that I was a good student that never got into any trouble.

-When returning to work after having my son, she was supposed to watch him for a week while he was still a newborn. I got a weird vibe about her boyfriend. I told her I was uncomfortable with leaving my son there if her boyfriend was living in her place. She called me a terrible daughter, that I didn’t trust her, that she would never let anything happen to him, etc. I stuck to my guns and didn’t let him stay. About a month or two later he was arrested for a domestic violence incident. It was also uncovered that he was an alcoholic and this was not his 1st run in with the law. When she finally started talking to me again after taking this man’s side over me…she lied for him. But I’m supposed to trust leaving my baby with her? HELL NO! (Oh and BTW she still deals with him)

-Most recently, she decides to call me while I’m at work and call me crazy for scheduling a small weekend vacation. She told me that I need to get to my psych appointment fast because her and my grandma think I’m losing my mind. That she’s never seen a mother leave her child as much as I leave mine.

I’ve finally had enough.

What you’re NOT going to do is make me out to be a bad mother. I’m divorced, he has a father and other grandparents. How am I wrong for making sure he has relationships with both sides of the family? I fully get how blessed I am to have all the help that I do. However, I am still his mother and I am the one doing all the hard work and making all the decisions when it comes to him. My son is happy, smart, well fed, with a roof over his head and that is all my doing. I didn’t take the mental abuse from my ex-husband and I damn sure shouldn’t have to take it from my own mother. When people like to do crazy/fucked up shit, they have a habit of trying to make you seem like the crazy one. It’s unacceptable.

My life is otherwise great. My son is happy and well-taken care of. I have a FT job that pays my rent, bills + a little extra. My friendships are great and I have a supportive network of people around me. I’m the happiest I have ever been, but all it takes is 1 phone call from her to make me feel like I’m worthless. Nothing I do is ever good enough.

Every move I make, I make with my son in mind. I don’t want him to see examples of toxic relationships. But what are you supposed to do when your mother, the woman who gave you life, is the most toxic person in your life?

 

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