Fear of Disappointment

In my life, I have always done what was expected of me. Went to school, got good grades, went to college, graduated, got engaged, got a job,¬†got married, had a kid….in that order. I did everything the “right way”. With the exception of having my son all of those things left me all unfulfilled. (Admittedly, I didn’t always feel that way about having my son, but I will save my postpartum depression stories for another post).

One of the happiest times of my life was when my divorce was finalized. Dark, I know. But I was in a very unhealthy situation. I stayed way longer than I should because I was so worried about the response. We were the couple everyone looked up to. I took pride in being the best wife I could be. I was so wrapped up in supporting my husband’s dreams that I put my own aspirations on the back-burner. Big mistake. When I made the decision to leave my marriage, I left with minimal. I put my (then) 6 month old son in his car seat and packed up some suitcases for us. Since my ex burned through our savings while trying to start up his career, I was only left with $1,000. Starting a new life with an infant, $1K and a stagnant job was no easy task. For a while I thought I was making a huge mistake. Now, I realize it is the greatest thing I have ever done.

I took the leap even though it scared the shit out of me. I told myself I need to take more risks when it concerns my happiness and overall mental health.

So here I am again with another dilemma. I am currently on course 2 in a series of 4 Masters level courses. Thing is….I hate school. Hate it. It was one of those things I did because I had to. I also hate the job I have and these courses are for progression in said job. Why am I doing this to myself? When I asked myself this question the only response I had was that I would disappoint those that were proud of me for going back to school. I’m realizing that’s not a good enough reason.

I want my son to grow up knowing that mommy achieved her dreams. My current situation isn’t my dream. My dreams include my entrepreneurial ventures. I’ve been so wrapped up in a job and courses that I hate, that it’s making my businesses fade into the abyss. Don’t get me wrong, I will keep my job because my kid needs to eat and I have bills. But the rest of my free time should be spent building what is MINE. I want my son to be proud of me. I would never want him to settle for a mediocre life, so why should I?

 

-Tina Kimani

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